Only Child

I've thought long and hard about posting about this..  But I've decided that I want to remember how I felt at this time so I decided it was what I needed to do.

As some of you know...  but most of you do not.   I've been trying to have another baby.  This is something that I have been considering ever since I decided to get pregnant with Emerson.  Will she be an only child?  Should I give her a sibling?  Can I handle two (or more) by myself?  Is it fair to Emerson to stretch myself even thinner ?    Over and Over and OVER I struggled with what was best.
My heart decided that I needed to at least try.   My heart told me I needed to do it for me and mostly for Emerson.  I wanted her to have a sibling.

Would it be really really hard for a while.?  Yep,!!!   I knew that for sure.   But if we didn't do things because they it was going to be hard we wouldn't get very far would we?  
So I called my Nurse Practitioner and discussed all the pros and cons and she made me feel great about my decision.   My fear was my age..  (I turned 40 in August) and I also feared the possibility of multiples..   But my NP put my fears to rest so I pushed the green light.

Well..  That was six months ago.    And 4 attempts ago.   it didn't work and I was unable to achieve a positive pregnancy.  I decided that last month was the last time I was going to try.   I told myself going in that if it was suppose to work then it will.   If it was not suppose  to work..   then I wouldn't get pregnant.    And guess what.  I didn't so I needed to keep trying.   Am I super dooper Sad?  Yep.  Sure am  :(    Do I consider changing my mind and try just one more time.   Yep..  Sure do.  

BUT...   I know in my heart this is the best thing to do.   Emerson Kate is my baby.  And I will be FOREVER thankful that I was able to get pregnant with her.  And that she is super healthy and just about as perfect as they come..   Ornery as ever but I love her that way.  :)    I am pretty certain that I will always look at siblings and be jealous of the love and bond they have for each other and yearn to have that for my child.   But I know this is the way it is suppose to be and I hope that I am able to give Emerson everything in this world to make her as happy as possible.

Side note...   I've had many people ask me if I would consider adoption.   I would love to adopt a baby.   But financially I can't go that route.  Plus not too many agencies will allow a single mother to adopt.  But I'm keeping an open mind and if the opportunity presents itself then I would certainly consider it.  You just never know whats in the plans for us.